At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
