i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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