I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
