I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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