I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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