from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
