Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
