the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
