Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
