My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
this is an emotional support booty call
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
