I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
