Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
