If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
