I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
