I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
