Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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