im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Sober January is a disaster.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
