Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In other news, I just burned my penis
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
