Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I currently don't understand fingers.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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