you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
