Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You're like the curious george of whores
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
