I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Pants are for mortals
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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