Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
