omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
