So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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