Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
