Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
