Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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