my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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