end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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