My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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