Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
