i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my shit smells like andre
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
