With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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