This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
