So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
