hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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