i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
