I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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