oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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