Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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