I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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