He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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