Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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