My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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