Midget sex pt 2 tonight
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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