What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
