I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
