You just made me feel so damn special
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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