He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Dignity is for republicans.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
